almost there

I sit in my room every night, coloring, listening to music, watching Grey’s anatomy, and write. For years, I’ve tried all of these things to figure out what I’m good at, and what makes me… me. Writing, family, I love being around children. And I’ve figured out that is what I like to do. That’s what I enjoy. I’ve fallen in love with doing my makeup, and “beating” my face. (It’s so fun, I should’ve started this sooner.) Especially the lipstick part. People say senior is so great and things change, and THOSE people were right. I’m always thinking about my future. Especially this past year. So many up’s and down’s have shown me what I’m suppose to be doing and what I want to be doing now and in the future. Well, not my whole future but, a good five years from now. Adults in my life have always told me “Things can always happen, make sure you have a back-up plan.” So, I have two.

Plan A: Journalism. Go to school for Journalism, and eventually interview and write stories & columns. Maybe even have my own writing firm.

Plan B: Become a teacher. For elementary schools.Maybe even the school I went to. Having a bond with children have become a thing I’ve liked lately.

I really would be happy with either of those choices. These next few years I will be focusing on happiness, I know there will be bumps but I will continue to just live. Focusing on things that will make me happy.  And eventually. find someone who will make me happy. Someone my family will love to see my happy with. For a long time I used to always tel me friends “I will never fall in love, that’s dead” “I’m not wasting my money getting married” I’ve never witnessed real love, people in love. But now I realize, how would I know if I never tried?  I do want a family when I’m thirty or so. I want to fall in love ONE time, and be married one time. I want sixty years plus. I’m not looking, or searching for that right now. When that kind of love comes to me I’ll know, it’ll find me. I want to adopt two kids once I’m settled in my career. Married or not. That’s what I think about. I even think about how I’m going to have a build a guest house for my mother when she gets older, because lord knows I’m she can’t go anywhere without her. I get in bed at night, color. listen to music, watch Grey’s anatomy, and write. And think about all of these things.

btw, VERY EXCITED FOR KIDNEY WALK & PROM

I’ve figured out what makes me happy. And what I want. That’s all I’ve been focused on. Learning to love myself, worry about MYSELF, and worry about the people that love me. Always making mistakes but I learn from every single one of them. I’m working so hard for certain things & it’s all paying off. Trying pays off. Around this time last year, I would’ve never thought I’d be where I am now. I’m so happy, it feels odd. 
*whispers*

June 9th

November 16th 2015

I try. I try SO hard. I try to do good by everyone & myself. I put in this huge amount of effort with everyone & everything around me. And that effort is just a waste. No matter how hard I try, I don’t get that effort back. Nowhere near the same amount. But I still continue to try & continue to put in the effort. Nothing goes right for me. When it does, it’s pretty temporary. I hate feeling like this. So alone. I knew this would happen. I knew it. “Oh don’t be so negative, think positive.” Only a dummy would say that to me. It’s not a being positive, it’s about being realistic. Because it’s a cycle for me. But I don’t think I can just keep trying. I don’t want to. Why give effort into anything & anyone when you rarely get a small amount back… Leave me alone. I try so hard. And I’m not trying anymore, for anything.

I’ve made so many mistakes. Mistakes should have never happened. I was stupid. And bored. I feel like I’m a bad person for the mistakes I’ve made in the last few years. All of the bad things that has happened to me or will happen to me, I truly believe it’s my fault. These things happen to me because I have not been a good person. I see people who are golden, sweet, saint like people and they’re living. They’re healthy. Maybe they’ve made mistakes & learned from them.

I’ve made a lot of mistakes, and most of the time when I made these unforgivable mistakes, I didn’t learn. I just made more. But I know now. I’ve learned. I still make mistakes but I learn from them now. But I know bad things will happen to me in the future because I’ve made so many terrible, unforgivable mistakes. And I’m sorry, but sorry means nothing apparently.

October 30th, 2015

Tomorrow is Halloween. Im usually taking my brother trick or treating and watching Halloween movies at home. By myself, but I have someone to watch them with now. I’m so incredibly, happy. It’s new. But something isn’t right. I know it’s alwaaaaaays something. But I know something isn’t right. I’m not going to look for anything wrong, but something is not right. If something is wrong, it’ll happen. Something bad always happens. 

Not to be negative but when I’m this happy, something always comes along and snatches it away. Just being realistic because I have to be. I am very happy. I’ve learned to focus on being around people who make me happy & doing things that I want. People used to leave my life so quickly and so easily and it would make me sad. Or maybe even a little depressed. (I’m sensitive, so yes depressed.) The people who’ve left my life and made me sad, I wish them the best. But they will never dictate my happiness. No one will. Yeah maybe you can be apart of my happiness but no one will never be a reason why I’m happy. I make my own happiness. If you ever want to leave my life, it’ll suck but I’ll be fine. I’ll never love the people who have left my side. And I’ll never hate them. I hope they’re living, and smiling. Because I am. So incredibly happy. I just hope anything bad waits a while before coming back. 

October 12th 2015

I didn’t think anyone really read my blog posts. I mean my friends yes, but I realized today people DO read it. And it makes me anxious. People are reading a few of my thoughts that I don’t usually say out loud. You guys are actually reading this and I feel anxious. But happy. My blog post are being noticed. Today I was in English, third hour. And I got a notification from someone on Twitter I didn’t know. I cried. She’s a stranger, I’ve never met her but she managed to make my entire day.